I had my PET Scan this week. This will let me know if I have cancer somewhere else in my body. Can I just admit that I am scared?! I have told myself, what are the odds that I will have it anywhere else? I mean come on, I already have two different cancers! Surely I will only have it in my breast and cervix. That “what if” monster tries it’s hardest to hang out on my shoulder and whisper doubt in my ear. I will not let it!
I am trying to keep my eyes fixed on God and place my trust in Him. Proverbs 4:25 Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. I want to be like those horses with the blinders. They can’t see what is behind or beside them. They can only see what is in front of them and have to trust the person guiding them. I am placing my trust in God who will guide me through this. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
What should have been chemo #6 ended up being fluids and Neupogen shots. My white blood cell counts were too low for the chemo. Not only did I not get treatment this week, but I had to cancel my cervical biopsy. Dr. Bakhru did not want to risk infection, so the biopsy has been moved to next Thursday.
I was a little surprised because I felt really good. Much better than I felt last week. (Last week was the first week I truly felt like a cancer patient.) I know it happens with chemotherapy, but I am disappointed. I am counting on the chemo to kill these cancers and I had to skip a whole week. My body can handle only so much, and it was telling me and the doctors that I need rest and time for my body to heal. Truthfully, God has been telling me that for the last couple weeks, but I have been ignoring Him. If you know me, you know that I don’t rest very well. There is always some errand to run, or there is something to clean or organize, or my favorite, my busy little boy.
Not only do I need to allow my body to rest, but I also need to rest in God. What does that mean? Well for me, God has been asking me to take time for Him. When I found out I had cancer, I couldn’t get enough of spending time with my Lord. But I have to admit, there have been times when I have allowed the distractions of life to creep in, and my time with Him has been placed on the back burner. I have felt God speaking to me, telling me to just sit and rest and take time at His feet. Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!
Are there distractions in your life, like mine, that keeps you from taking time with God? I challenge you to shut the noise around you. Listen to the Lord and put your focus on Him. Ephesians 5:15-16 So, then, be careful how you live. Do not be unwise but wise, making the best use of your time because the times are evil. “God did not create us to live a distracted life. God created us to live a Jesus-infused life” -Margaret Feinberg
Spending time with the One who breathed life into me should be my top priority. That is what God desires from us all. Our time. Our undivided attention to spend with Him. God delights in talking with us.
So that is what I am working on. Getting rid of the distractions of life and making a point to spend more of my time in God’s word and just sit at His feet and rest. My prayer is for my desire to be hungry and thirsty for God and that He be my greatest love.