Have I said how hard the waiting is? The longer we waited to have answers, the more fearful we got. All I could ask, is for people to pray for God’s peace. Finally on December 23, I couldn’t take it anymore. I did not want to go through Christmas without any answers. I called my doctor and spoke to a nurse, questioning what was going on? I let her know I was confused and wanted to know if I did or did not have cancer? I will never forget the words “Oh definitely breast cancer, we just don’t know what kind”. In that moment, with those 10 words, my world completely crumbled before me. All I could think of was my boys and what would happen with them. Every fear of not being here to watch Levi be a daddy, or grow old with Jonathan hits me hard! I couldn’t understand why God had given me Levi, just to rip me from him at a young age? Didn’t God know how much Levi needed his mommy? How are we going to tell him? He is five and shouldn’t be fearful of his mommy dying!
The sadness was almost at the point of being unbearable. I clung to Jonathan as if that would help me stay here with him. But still, even in that moment, God softly spoke to me and reminded me that He was in control and hadn’t left me.
My momma happened to be coming by at the exact time I found out. I know God orchestrated that for His perfect timing. We still didn’t want Levi to know what was going on; however, he heard my crying. As I was getting his clothes together to go to my parents, he looked at me and asked me “what was wrong”? I put on my best smile and said nothing. He said, “No mommy, why are you crying, don’t lie to me”. I couldn’t believe he knew something was going on. We tried very hard not to let him see us cry or talk about anything in front of him. I told him that I was sick and he told me he hoped I felt better. I cried so much that night, I couldn’t cry anymore.
Oddly enough, I was able to sleep soundly all night long for the first time in weeks. Me and Jonathan both noted that we felt more at peace before knowing I had cancer. We could feel God’s perfect peace upon us! I continued to pray for His comfort and peace.
Christmas Eve, I went to breakfast with Levi and my momma. I remember sitting in Cracker Barrel, thinking, no one knows I was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I look like everyone else. There is no sign above me that says, I have cancer. I couldn’t help but look around and wonder, what are others dealing with? Did someone else just receive devastating news? Were parents sitting in the restaurant, who just received news that their child had cancer? It made me instantly look at people in a more compassionate way. You never know what others have or are going through.
The rest of Christmas Eve was filled with our regular family traditions. We wanted it to be another ordinary Christmas for Levi. We baked cookies. I made a special Christmas Eve dinner and we rode around looking at Christmas lights. It was rough! I don’t know how many times I would sneak off to the bathroom to cry, or how many times I saw Jonathan do the same thing. It was hard not to think, what if this is the last time? (That darn “what if” monster kept coming back.) That night as we were looking at lights, a song came on the radio, and again, I knew it was given to us from God. I encourage you to listen to the words of the song. God was telling us, He was holding us through this storm and not letting go.
I can honestly say this was the worst Christmas ever! Trying to put on false happy smiles for Levi was draining. I want many Christmases with my family. This hurts so much! The “what if’s” wouldn’t leave me alone. But still, even through all the sadness and fear, I couldn’t help but notice the peace I had. I knew it was coming from God and I could feel Him surrounding us more and more. I was and still am in awe of it.
I prayed again for God to give me a verse to look at and remind me of His hope. He provided me with just what I needed through my friend Holly. Isaiah 41:9-10 You are my servant, serving on my side. I have picked you. I haven’t dropped you. Do not panic. I am with you. There is no need to fear for I am your God. I will give you strength. I will help you. I will hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you with my righteous right hand. I have this verse on my fireplace so I can look at it anytime I have doubts.
God also gave me a verse through my cousin Stacey. Ephesians 6:13 So put on all God’s armor. Evil days will come. But you will be able to stand up to anything. And after you have done everything you can, you will still be standing. I have to say, when my heart read this, my attitude changed. No longer am I consumed with fear, but I am ready to fight! I feel like I am a warrior ready for battle, and I know I will win! My God is on the throne and He will not let me fail! He has promised to hold me and give me strength though it all.